Pokemon: Red's Journey
by DarthOblivious
Summary: Join Red on his journey through the Kanto region. This is a humorous journey through the first generation games with fairly crass jokes thrown around throughout. This will eventually be a Red x Sabrina story.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon sadly as it is owned by others. This is a nonprofit work which I am writing for the sole purpose of making my friends laugh.

A/N: There will be a lot of offensive material included in this fanfiction. Most of this will consist of sex jokes, cursing, and later cannibalism. This is meant to be a parody of the first generation of Pokémon games and should definitely not be taken seriously. If you are easily offended please just don't read this. Well, now that this is out of the way, here is the prologue.

PRJ

Prologue: Welcome to the World of Pokémon

A young boy sat in front of his television watching a man that looked to be in his early sixties discuss the Pokémon world.

"Hello, my name is Professor Samuel Oak. Some people call me that shitty ass old man who lives on top the hill. Most people simply call me Oak, however. Anyway, I am here today in order to tell you about the world of Pokémon. There are many different types of Pokémon in the world. I believe that there are 717 known species in existence at the time of the making of this television special. There are some that are so shitty that they can only splash water around, but then there are others that can create and destroy entire worlds. In other words there is a vast difference in the level of coolness between the different Pokémon. That being said, one of my favorites is Caterpie. I will get into why in a moment."

An image of a Caterpie appears on the screen.

"Now there are many different things that people do with Pokémon. Most simply attempt to become a Pokémon Trainer. These are those human beings which wish to make there Pokémon stronger so that they may battle against their friends and complete strangers who make eye contact with them. Those Pokémon trainers with actual ambition will attempt to become the Pokémon Champion of their respective region. This means that they will have to win eight gym badges and then take first place in their regions Pokémon tournament. These champions will then be allowed to challenge the Elite Four and compete against the Pokémon World Champion."

"Others will simply try and collect one of each species in order to complete their Pokédex entries. This is rather foolish as there are several types of Pokémon that are considered legendary due to the fact that there are only one of them and they are very powerful. The likelihood of seeing, much less catching, one of these types is so small that those who attempt this endeavor usually end up killing themselves out of frustration, much like dentists and postman. There are also those that will spend their entire lives attempting to breed perfect examples of a single Pokémon species. One of my very best friends has actually spent the last fifty years attempting to breed a perfect shiny Magikarp. He is kind of a doofus, but we love him and make fun of him to his face."

"There are also some that take loving Pokémon to a completely different level like my neighbor Delia. She has this Mr. Mime that she likes to … Well we won't get into that here. This actually is a great transition into the last type of Pokémon occupation I will discuss in this video special. That is Pokémon Professors such as myself. Each Professor is in charge of all research in one of the different regions in the Pokémon world. Each one of us also specializes in a specific aspect of Pokémon. My research focuses on Pokésex. This is the study of the mating and sexual habits of Pokémon. Before you write me off as some perverted freak, you should know that I went to college and this is a valid field of Pokéstudy. You may now find yourself asking, 'What the fuck does this have to do with anything?' Well, if I didn't go to college I wouldn't be able to inform all of you viewers that the last tail segment on a Caterpie is not actually a part of its tail, but is instead its penis. All Caterpie are hermaphrodites and have a dick and a nice little slit on the underside of their bodies. This is the reason that Caterpie is one of my favorite Pokémon. They are just fascinating to study. Now many of you are probably saying something along the lines of, 'What the fuck!? I did not want to know that you perverted assface.' However, as we discussed before, I went to college. Well that is all we have time for today, so this Oak is signing off."

"This is not your radio show, you don't sign off. You even mentioned that it was a television special a few times in your long ass speech." said a voice off camera that must have been one of the producers or the director of the special television feature.

"It doesn't matter anyway. Just shut the hell up!" Oak yelled back.

With this exchange the young boy turned off the television and went to get ready for bed. Tomorrow was going to be the boy's tenth birthday and he didn't want to be tired for the surprise his mother mentioned. Little did he know that this surprise would change his life forevermore. So, our young hero Red lay his head against his pillow and fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon sadly as it is owned by others. This is a nonprofit work which I am writing for the sole purpose of making others laugh.

PRJ

Chapter One: Good Morning Red

Our hero Red woke up on the morning of his tenth birthday excited for the surprise his mother had promised. Red had asked his mother for a Pokémon of his own for the last couple of years and he thought that maybe this was his surprise. In a way this is true, but not in the way he wished.

He quickly readied himself for the day by changing into jeans and a t-shirt. He also grabbed his red jacket and cap, before hurrying downstairs to see his gifts. When he arrived he saw his mother sitting on the couch, cuddling with her Mr. Mime.

"Mom, what are you doing Mr. Mime?" Red asked, having remembered that his mother's name was Delia and that comment from that pervy Oak's television special the night before.

"Post-coital cuddling. I read an article which stated all sorts of research which pointed to cuddling and kissing after sex to be one of the best ways to strengthen your relationship. You should remember that in the future sweetie."

Red sweat dropped. "What the fuck is wrong with you woman? You can't have sex with a Mr. Mime!"

"Well what was I supposed to do? Your father took his Arcanine with him when he left and I had to find another Pokémon to satisfy my natural sexual urges. I am a woman at her sexual peak after all."

"What?" Red whimpered out in response. "You can't have sex with Pokémon."

"Sure you can. I've let plenty of Pokémon explore my treasure trove. My favorite was that Arcanine. I have never met anyone else who could satisfy me like that fire brand could. He just filled me to the brim. Mr. Mime is close though. He is quite flexible." Delia stated while looking over at Mr. Mime hungrily.

"Mime!" the creature called out, looking quite pleased with itself.

"My mother is perverted freak." Red stated with a lost look on his face. He really did not know how to react to this. Which honestly is very understandable. How are you supposed to react when you find out your mother likes to do dirty business with what is basically the family pet. "Why did I have to find out on my today of all days?"

"Oh that's right, today is your tenth birthday. I guess we should talk for a bit." His mother stated as she stood up and walked to the kitchen. Red followed her a slow pace, feeling numb from the shocking revelation his mother had just dumped in his lap. Delia sat down at the kitchen table and turned to her son.

"Red, there comes a point in everyone's life where they must shed the past and start on a new journey. Do you understand?"

"What?" Red asked, still dazed from discovering his mother's sex life.

"Well, you see. I want you out of my house. You've been bumming off me for the last ten years and it's kind of pathetic."

"Where the hell is this coming from? I'm your ten year old son. What was I supposed to do, come out of the womb and get a job?"

"That would have helped with the bills, but I still would have thrown you out after ten whole years of living with your mother."

"What the fuck is wrong with you!"

"I am not the only parent to have thrown their child out. This will be good for you. I can't let you live with me forever."

"I hope you die of a bloody flux. Have you even put any thought into how a ten year old boy is supposed to survive on his own?"

"Not much honestly. I have arranged for you to pick up a Pokémon from Professor Oak as a birthday present though." Delia informed her son with a smile. "Happy birthday Red."

"First, you inform your ten year old son about your sex life, then you kick said child out of your home, and lastly you send him off to an old pervert's house alone. You are the worst mother ever." Red responded to the birthday wishes.

"I am not you little shit! I have kept you fed and put a roof over your head for the last ten years of your life! Also, during that entire time I have never attempted to rape and/or maul you!" The incensed mother replied.

"Well congratulations you fucking whore! Not having your way with me must be a great accomplishment for you, but sending me off to get raped by some old man isn't really any better!"

"How dare you!? I was going to take you out for ice cream to celebrate your birthday, but now I don't think I will." Delia responded with a huff, turning her back on her son. "You have two hours to pack and leave my home. Anything you leave in your room will be destroyed. After you're gone I'm converting that room into a sex dungeon."

"Why tell me these things!? You know what, never mind." Red threw his arms in the air and stormed off to the stairs and stomped up to his room. He looked through his close and grabbed a couple spare outfits and placed them in his backpack. He also grabbed a sleeping bag since it looked like he would be doing a lot of sleeping outside, as he didn't have any money.

'But Mom has money,' he thought to himself. Our hero then snuck into his mother's bedroom and went over to her sock drawer, where he found 500 Pokédollars. He quickly put the money in his pocket and made his way back downstairs and towards the front door. His mother just opened the door for him and glared as he marched out of the house.

"Fucking bitch." Red stated when his mother slammed the door closed. He then began to make his way over to Oak's lab to collect his Pokémon.


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon sadly as it is owned by others. This is a nonprofit work which I am writing for the sole purpose of making my friends laugh.

A/N: Apologies for the long wait between updates. Life and work got in the way.

PRJ

Chapter Two: I Choose You!

Our young hero, Red, makes his way from his former home towards the Pokémon Lab of one Professor Samuel Oak, grumbling about his whore of a mother and his sorry lot in life the entire thirty-five steps it takes to get from one door to the other. Really Pallet Town is quite the small village, but I digress. When Red enters the building he makes his way to the back of the lab in order to find the professor, as this is where one can usually find the old pervert, but this time there was no one to be found.

"Where the hell is that old geezer?" Red asked himself, only to be answered by a nasally voice behind him.

"The most magnificent Professor Oak is not here at this moment in time." Red whipped around and was faced with a four foot nothing man with black hair shaped in a bowl cut, wearing a white lab coat, and a pair of black rimmed glasses which made his eyes look to be the size of Pokéballs.

"I know that. I want to know where the old bastard is right now. So, would you kindly tell me?"

"Don't address the slendiforous Gl … I mean Oak in such a crude manner! I will not tolerate your blasphemy any longer." The man in the lab coat stated as he turned his back on the young boy.

"Blasphemy? Do you worship the old pervert?" Red asked with a confused look upon his face.

"It's complicated, but just know that I will listen to no more of your words, you heathen." With this spoken, our hero saw red, not in the literal sense but the metaphorical, grabbed the man's by his shoulder, spun him around, and slammed him into a wall.

"Look dumbass! I have had a really bad morning thus far, so I would try my absolute best to cooperate with me. Now tell me where Oak is, or I swear to Arceus I will go find a baseball bat and shove it so far up your ass that I will be able to use it to bunt from your mouth. Do we understand one another?" At this, as impossible as it sounds, the man's eyes seemed to double in size and he shook his head up and down faster than seemed humanly possible. "Well where the fuck is he then?"

"He went for a walk. I believe he said something about porking Delia."

"AHHH!" Red let out an inhuman roar and immediately turned around and stormed out of the lab. "Fuck this! I'm leaving this shithole of a town."

PRJ

As our hero let out his roar of shear frustration, a young girl many miles from Pallet Town suddenly looked away from the opponent she was facing and turned in the direction of the little town.

"I sense a great disturbance in the Force, as if a young boy's entire world just shattered beyond recognition. It is most intriguing."

"What?" Her opponent inquired.

This bought the girl's attention back to her opponent, which made him immediately wish he had remained silent. The girl looked at the man with an unsettling hunger hidden in the depths of her eyes. She then gave a completely monotone delivery of the most horrifying words which the man had ever heard.

"I like to eat people."

PRJ

Back in Pallet Town, Red has made his way from the Pokémon Lab and is about to step into the tall grass which covers the path out of the town when a voice calls out to him.

"Red! Wait! Don't go into the grass without a Pokémon for protection!" And so the young boy turns around and sees Professor Oak making his way towards him. "Just what do you think you're doing?" The professor asked as he got closer.

"I'm leaving this damnable town since you were too busy," the next word was said with the addition of air quotes for emphasis, "porking' the woman who calls herself my mother." Red begins to turn away from Oak back towards the grass when the professor grabs his shoulder to stop him.

"I wasn't fucking your mother, Red."

"Really?" Red asks with a hopeful look on his face. Maybe his mother doesn't just screw everything that comes her way, and only has this strange thing about Mr. Mime and Arcanines. The next words out of Oak's mouth shatter this hope, however.

"Of course not. I was just bringing my grandson over there in order for him to fuck her. Today's his tenth birthday after all, and I wanted to give him the chance to become a real man at the hands of a professional. Let's face it Red, there is no one with more experience than Delia."

"You brought Blue to my house so that he could lose his virginity to my mother?"

Oh yes, that's his name. I have been trying to figure that one out for months." Oak stated with a huge grin on his face.

"What is wrong with you people?" Red asked.

"I expect it's something in the water." The old man answered. "Well anyway, let's get back to the lab so that I can give you a Pokémon and you can be on your way. Also, Mortimer is probably worried by now."

"Is that the dumbass who worships the ground you walk on?"

"Why yes it is."

PRJ

While Oak and Red begin to make their way back to the lab, Blue is wrapping up things with Delia.

"Thanks for the ride Ms. D." Blue says to Red's mother. "Sorry about … well, ya know."

"The premature sendoff." Delia more states than asks. "Don't worry about it sweetie. It was your first time. I'm sure you'll get better with practice and eventually even learn to actually please a woman." Blue's face turns as red as a tomato.

"Well … uhm. I guess I'll smell ya later Ms. D." Blue then turned and begins to walk towards his grandfather's lab.

PRJ

As Oak and Red enter the lab they are greeted by Mortimer.

"Greetings the most excellent and amazing Professor Oak. I just wish to inform you that this young man who is accompanying you was here earlier, and not only did he not pay you the proper respects, but also threatened me, your most humble min … I mean assistant, with bodily harm." He stated with a self-righteous fury bumbling behind his eyes, which only made Oak and Red roll their own eyes at him.

"Thank you for letting me know Mortimer. I will handle the situation personally." When this was said, the assistant got the most self-satisfied, pompous look upon his face which Red had ever seen.

"Well, I will leave you to the distribution of punishments and go back to categorizing your collection of research material." Mortimer said as he made his way to a small desk at the side of the building, and Red and Oak continued to the back of the lab.

"I must apologize for Mortimer." Oak states when they arrive at his personal research area. "He's just a tad insane and has been of his medication for a while now."

"You don't say." Red responded. "Never mind that now. I have thought about which Pokémon I want, and I choose Charmander."

Professor Oak scratches the back of his head, "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's too bad. I gave out my last Charmander months ago."

"Okay. That's alright. I'll take a Bulbasaur then. As long as it's not a Squirtle. I hate that damn thing."

"I'm actually out of Bulbasaurs at this time as well."

"Son of a bitch! Fine! I'll take the gay Squirtle."

"Don't have any homosexual Squirtles. No heterosexual ones either for that matter."

"What kind of Pokémon do you have for me then?" Red asked in a voice laced in anger.

"I was actually planning on giving you an Eevee. That way you can choose which element you want at a later time."

"That sounds alright I guess. I will –" Red started only to be interrupted by a loud voice behind him.

"Sup Gramps! I have come for my Pokémon." Blue all but yells out as he enters the Pokémon Lab.

"Hello … you." Oak responds to his grandson. "Just let me finish giving Red this Eevee and I'll be right with you."

"You're unbelievable." Blue states, "First, you can't even remember my name, and then you make me wait on my birthday."

"Don't be that way … Grandson. You can have the Eevee, and I'll find something else for Red. You'd be okay with that, right Red?"

Red's face turns red in anger, "Like hell I will. I have had everything taken from me today, and I will not let this motherfucker take my Pokémon."

Blue, looking just as angry, responds to this by marching to the table to the right of where Red and Oak were standing and taking the Pokéball lying there. "That's right, I am a motherfucker. I had your mother screaming my name not thirty minutes ago."

"Oh yes, what a great accomplishment. This morning she was screaming for Mr. Mime. You just had a Pokémon's sloppy seconds. Congratulation." Red states while Blue's face turns green in disgust.

"Wha – Whatever. Let's look at my new Pokémon." Blue took the Pokéball and threw it in the air. The ball snapped open and a white light came out, quickly taking the shape of an Eevee. Then, a split second later, a small foxlike creature is looking up at Blue with huge brown eyes. "Aren't you just the cutest thing ever?"

"Eevee!"

"I think I will name you Carl Winslow." Blue said.

"What kind of name is that for a Pokémon?" Red asked.

"Don't listen to him Carl, he's just jealous of your awesomeness."

"Eevee." With that, both Pokémon and trainer turn their noses at Red.

Red sighs and mumbles under his breath, "I hate my life." He then turns back to the professor, "What Pokémon do you have for me now?"

"Well, I was originally going to give … was it Blue? Whatever, it really doesn't matter right now. Anyway, I was planning on giving him a fully trained Pokémon from my own collection so that he would no challenges he couldn't face at the beginning of his adventure. He wanted to be his own man though, and stole your starting Pokémon. I'm so proud of him."

"So do I get one of your fully trained Pokémon?"

"Of course not. He's my grandson and you're not. Nepotism must count for something." Oak says with a perplexed look on his face. "I guess I have one other Pokémon you could have. No one else wants it."

Oak then goes to his desk and pulls over a dusty cardboard box from beside the desk. He opens it up and begins to rifle through the contents of said box. After a few moments the professor pulls out a filthy looking Pokéball, blows on it, and hands it to Red.

Red takes the ball and says a small prayer, "Arceus, please don't let this be a Magikarp or a Luvdisc. If it is I swear I will burn Oak, Blue, Carl, Mr. Mime, and my mother to death. Amen." Our hero takes just one more moment to compose himself before he throws the Pokéball in the air. "Go random Pokémon! I choose you!"

The Pokéball snaps open and out comes a Pikachu. "Pika?" The Pokémon looks around in confusion.

"What!? A Pikachu is an awesome starting Pokémon! Why wouldn't anyone want him?" Red exclaims as he turns back to the professor.

"His cheeks are deformed and he can't produce electricity." Oak responds. Blue proceeds to burst into laughter in the background.

"Excuse me?" Red inquires, not being able to accept this statement.

"The poor thing was born without the ability to produce electricity. Therefore, nobody has ever wanted him. I mean who wants an electric Pokémon that can't use electric attacks."

With this said, Red looks over to the Pikachu. The little mouse Pokémon heard everything said and looks quite depressed. "I suppose I do."

"Pika?" Pikachu asks, looking confused again.

"Pikachu, we have both been dealt bad hands in life thus far. You with your physical handicap, and me with my whore of a mother. If we work hard together I think we can make something of ourselves. What do say buddy? Will you be my first Pokémon partner?" Red asks looking earnestly at the little yellow Pokémon.

"Pikachu!" Pikachu responds positively, while puffing out its chest and giving Red a look of absolute devotion.

"Well looks like the loser was able to find a Pokémon as lame as he is." Blue's voice states from behind the pair. "What do you say to a Pokémon battle to test our new Pokémon out, Red? You know, just between us old friends."

"We aren't friends Blue."

"Sure we are. We used to play Pokémon all the time growing up."

"We did not. You would wait behind a bush or tree for me to sit down and read, run up me, throw dirt in my eyes, yell Sand Attack, and proceed to punch me in the face while yelling Mach Punch or Fire Punch."

"Yeah, good times."

"You're an asshole, Blue."

"Whatever, do you want to battle now or not?"

"Not right now. Maybe later."

"Fine then. Smell ya later, Gramps. Red." Blue then turned and began to walk towards the door to the lab.

"Wait … you." Oak states as Blue exits the building. "Never mind. Red, could you do me a favor?"

"No."

"I'll pay you. You can't have much money since you just got thrown out of the house."

"What's the favor and how much would I be paid?" Red asked.

"I just need you to go to Viridian City and pick up a package for me. I can pay you 2,000 Pokédollars for the job."

"Fine. Where's the package?"

"It should be in the Pokémart."

"Alright."

Red and his new companion Pikachu then turn and head out of the lab. What wondrous adventures await our young heroes as they continue their journey in the world of Pokémon?


End file.
